For the past 6 years I've done this once-a-year centering task called Acknowledgments and Appreciations. It was something that Rhonda Britten, from Fearless Living, challenged us coaches to do at the end of the year. I write down 100 things I appreciated and 100 things I acknowledge myself for doing that previous year. I've found it to be a great way to gracefully let go of the old and to move into the new from a positive place. Sometimes I have to force myself to do them, and it takes a day or two to finish; but after 2008 when I had a really hard year and didn't think I could even come up with one good thing to say, after finishing, I could see just how strong I was and how much of a better person I was becoming and how supportive my friends and family are. It was very powerful to see it all there, staring at me from the paper: the silver lining. So, I keep doing the lists.

This year was easy to complete the Appreciations (those are always easy for me). Today I sat down to Acknowledge myself and it took me a while to get started (it usually does take people who beat themselves up a while to acknowledge the good they've done). I really didn't feel like I took many risks this year (which is what the acknowledgments are for: the times you go out of your comfort zone). But after I had most of the list done I've found a trend: my risks are centered around other people: going to parties alone, smiling at strangers, keeping eye contact with men I find attractive, being alone with someone who might judge me and being weird or silly around someone who doesn't get it. Basically any time I feel I have to hide my vulnerability or my silliness or who I am but DON'T is a risk for me.

This year I did acknowledge that I am shy when I am around either new people, new men or groups of people (even if I know all of them). I also am learning to just be quiet rather than cover up my awkward feelings or to hide them from people by talking so much. I also am learning to let people be mad at me, to not manage other people's feelings just so I'll be liked or accepted. I'm learning to feel love and express it appropriately. I'm learning to feel good about myself in the presence of others. I'm learning to stand on my own feet as my own person in the presence of my very open, expressive and out there best friend (rather than feeling less than when I'm around her.)

This year I got quite good at accepting things as they are and for relaxing just a little more. I also just want to acknowledge that I am darn good at my job and naturally inclined towards what I do and I love the company for which I work. I never dread going to work.

This year I started a relationship with God (or The Universe), something I didn't really acknowledge as a supportive force in my life. But knowing that it's always been there for me, supporting me when I felt I had none, loving me when I didn't love myself is an incredible awareness and I've been able to forgive so much of my past (and myself). I love going to The Universe and giving it my problems to take care of (and it does). Thank you Marianne Williamson. 

I am very much looking forward to 2012 and have been for a while. While I don't think that the world will end, I am seriously enjoying how America is becoming more heart-centered and not so goal-driven and I'm enjoying my deepening connection to Something Bigger Than Me and how the veil between us is getting thinner and I am more clearly receiving love, guidance and inspiration than ever before. 

 If I wish anything for any of you in 2012 it's that you see the good a lot more than before, that you appreciate everything. And I hope you laugh more. Thank you and I love you!

My contract with Verizon came up for renewal ON Thanksgiving. Every two years I get to upgrade my cell phone at a steep discount. 2 years ago I went for a Droid smart phone, which I really enjoyed. This time I decided, since they gave me a sweet sweet deal, to get the iPhone 4S. I saved $500 on this sucker. I wouldn't have been able to afford it otherwise. I got it this week and have been playing around with it. Angry Birds is SO MUCH FASTER! Seriously, playing Angry Birds on a Droid Eris (a baby Droid, if you will) was TORTURE. But I played it regardless.

I'm not much of a video game person. The only games I've ever played and enjoyed/been good at were Centipede (my rationale was that, being a girl, I was better at manipulating a rolly-ball-module back and forth than a stick. ha ha ha.) and Tetris. Angry Birds is very satisfying: I love to destroy things. I love that there's no clock, no timer, and it's a very simple strategy, although the levels or puzzles aren't always easy. Plus there's a sense of humor to it I think. I get why many men want to play video games all the time. It really is a way to decompress.

I also downloaded Plants v. Zombies. My brother got me into it a few months ago on his iPad. It's another "funny" game that doesn't move TOO fast, there's no timer and you have to organize things. Right up my alley.

Anyway, when I first got my iPhone, I had to get past the feelings of not being worthy enough to own it, that the people who had iPhones were cool and I wasn't and someone was going to find out and take my new toy away. REAS (rolls eyes at self). I didn't know I felt this way, but, it make sense. We all get comfortable being where we are (financially, relationshipy, body-wise) because being anything better brings up those feelings of unworthiness, or "If I am this way someone might take it away, so nevermind." Do I deserve a better car? A better home (or a house, period)? A loving relationship? Those things terrify me on some levels, but, like the iPhone, I'm willing to feel the feelings, let them go and embrace that I'm worthy.



I'm definitely in a state of transition. The day that K told me she was applying for this job in Atlanta, my instincts have been to change things. Nothing drastic, but I've been unconsciously driven to get new dishware (even wine glasses, never had real wine glasses before), new plants (I used to laugh at my mom for having so many plants. Now I can't get enough of them. SMH.) new decorations. Plus all the apt-improving stuff I mentioned before. Now I've got a top of the line cell phone. My apt is all boxed up (I'll try to post a picture, prior to me putting up holiday decorations). It's like I'm moving in for the first time. But I really LIKE that this is happening. I like having to touch all of my stuff that I haven't touched for years (books and pictures) and to reexamine how I feel about it, if it's really me anymore or how it can fit into this new energy that's forming.

I was looking at pictures of me from 12 years ago, I used to idolize those photos; I used to think I had to get back to that time and anything else was just not acceptable. But something has shifted in me and I'm ready to just put the photos away in a closet and to embrace where I am now and where I'm going. That is a HUGE mind shift, I can't tell you.

And I can't TELL YOU how much I'm looking forward to cutting my friggen hair. It's way too long and I look awful (my judgment). I haven't had a haircut since April. I just have spent all my money on other things, that's the bottom line. I'll get in cut in a couple of weeks.

I'll try to post that photo now.

I really really really miss people writing in LJ (I miss reading about my friends' REAL LIVES, not just witty short facebook/twitter posts...as much as I enjoy reading and writing THOSE!). I suspect I share this feeling with a lot of folks, which means *I'M* not posting much. So I thought I'd write an entry and say hello to everyone.

So K is all moved in here in Atlanta and it's been great. There has been a bit of a domino effect by her moving here. Because her apt was built in the last decade (and mine in the 50's, ahem.) I've become itchy to improve MY living quarters a bit. It all started about a month ago when I had some minor mold in my bathroom closet. It was an ordeal to get maintenance to fix it and it caused me to really look at my bathroom, which has taken a beating these past 6 or so years because the upstairs apt bathroom had some leak problems which meant my bathroom walls and ceilings have looked drippy and gross. Looking at K's new clean walls made mine look putrid. So I asked to have my whole bathroom repainted. They took care of that, but when I went to take a shower 24 hours after the painting, I noticed that the paint on the window sill ledge in my shower was starting to pucker. Seems that even though the window was cracked to dry the paint, it was a very rainy wet day and the paint never fully dried.

I would have let this go, but I realized that ALL my window sills needed repairing and repainting. I'd been living with them scratched up, peeling and gross since I moved in in 2001. (Also, why do I feel bad about having lived in the same place for 10 years? I LOVE it here.) So I asked my landlord (who loves me and has almost been BEGGING me to let her do nice things for me & my apt for years) to have the window sills redone and for new blinds in my bedroom (the original ones are gross....why have I put up with this for so long? Because I had nothing to compare it to....) I also asked for new carpeting. That comes in Jan. The window sills (and the back of my front door, which I didn't clock was also peely and scratched up. The things we get used to...) were repainted on Thursday and they look great. And I believe the paint as fully dried in my bathroom sill, too.

Because of the painting and the upcoming new carpeting, I've had to sort of pack up my apt: to move things away from the sills and to get ready to easily move things when they rip out the old carpet and install the new next month. If you know me, you know I like to get things done ahead of time so that I'm not stressed out when the time comes to make a move or do something like this. So, my apt (just the bedroom and living room, really) is all packed up aside from the things I really need between now and January. All of my mind energy goes toward trying to figure out where to put things the day before the installers come. I think I have some very good ideas. The only things I think the workers will have to move from room to room will be my very small bed (which is just a basic wood frame and a futon mattress) and my couch/futon. I think both of those can be easily broken down for easy transportation. Everything else will get stuffed into my kitchen, bathroom, in the closet shelves and the hallway outside my apt. I think I can do this! I'm actually looking forward to it. It's like a live game of tetris!

Because I've been taking my time and packing up I've been given the opportunity to go through ALL of my things and throw out/donate/sell things I just don't want/need anymore. I've gotten rid of SO. MUCH. STUFF. And there might be even more. I've gone through ALL my photos, my audio tapes (which I'm about to just get rid of completely...maybe take a picture of them to remember them by. They were mostly presents from people, you know: mix tapes!) video tapes, books, clothes. It's very easy for me to get rid of things, though. I'm glad I'm like this.

K is actually getting new carpet in Jan, too, which means most of her stuff is still in boxes. I know it's making her itchy to get it all unpacked, but it'll all be much better to leave things as they are. As it is, her crew will have a LOT of stuff to move. I don't even want to think about it. :)

It's wonderful of course to have her back. It's also been wonderful to have a project to focus on (the apt improvements). I really have missed being involved in a project that makes me detach from my monkey mind.

More later. Gotta eat breakfast. At 1pm.

Me.

Making fun of the Kool Aid Man with my best friend.
It's come up in most of our recent conversations and I tell you, I can't breathe I'm laughing so hard at whatever it is we say about him.

Here are the shows I watch every week (I don't have cable):

Monday: Castle

Tuesday: Biggest Loser

Wed: Modern Family, Cougar Town (I used to watch America's Next Top Model before it moved to a time that competed with MF)

Thurs: The Office, 30Rock, Parks & Rec (didn't get into it until last season when they added Rob Lowe. Not because I'm a fan of his work, but he is super great in that show).

Sat: SNL


I will admit to getting sucked into this new Blind-Date-esque reality dating show called Excused that comes on in the AM. It is atrocious, but I can't look away. *sigh*

I also try to catch Nightline every night. I used to record The Late Late Show, but it started eating up my time and so I stopped (though I did record the week Craig was in Paris). Sometimes I'll catch Jimmy Kimmel's monologue before I go to bed. 

When I'm near a TV with cable I look forward to Man V. Food, Chopped, House Hunters/international and Unwrapped. Maybe What Not to Wear.

One of the mentors in the Fearless Living Life Coaching Program, who I thought hadn't noticed me at all during a workshop I was help out at, said I was a Thousand-Watt Lightbulb.

Boss is SO LOUD in the office today.

I really really want to be a great salsa dancer. Not professional or for show, just socially. The only way that's gonna happen is one-on-one teaching. I've taken classes and I just get so in my head.